I hate Heineken.

As is the case with most successful performing artist, I have worked a variety of service jobs. In my years of bar tending and working at a brewery, I have become a bit of a beer snob. And unfortunately, my flavor of choice is a nice hoppy IPA. 

This has created an ongoing struggle for me in years past as the popularity of the craft IPA brought on some sort of pissing contest among brewers to see just how strong they could make them. I just don’t want to be hammered after I drink one single 8% or 9% beer. So I am forever on the search for a Session IPA in the 4-5% range, so that perhaps I could drink 2 or 3 tasty beverages on a hot day.

Here in Brazil, we have no shortage of hot days. Last year was the hottest recorded year in the existence of recorded years in Rio de Janeiro. So it only makes sense that you would want an icy cold light beer to drink. I am not historically a lover of Lager, but I see it’s value in this geographical context. I am also game for a happy medium with a Pale Ale. 

I was delighted when I saw the familiar branding of Lagunitas here. Only to find that the version here is brewed in Brazilian and the recipe is just not quite the same. But it is better or on par with the Brazilian brands like Brahma or Antartica. Or at least the label looks cooler.

When I first came to Brazil 7 years ago or so, before my son was born, Brahma or Antartica were the staple and I did my duty of drinking them but was happy to opt for a cocktail if it was available. Which can be dangerous. Word to the wise, street vendors don’t always have ice made with filtered water…

So my expectations of enjoying a good beer in Brazil were already low, but little did I know that it was going to get so so much worse. In steps Heineken, with a smear campaign to convince all Brazilians that Heineken is better for them than other beers. Something about no corn in the ingredients or something, but they have taken over completely. It is all you can buy anywhere and everyone you know prefers it and drinks it.

This is a problem, because it is customary here to share beer. Like I said, it is hot. So you need to drink the beer quickly before it gets warm. You get a large bottle, with a few tiny cups and share. I love this custom. This is a culture of people enjoying each others company. I blame Heineken for creating this cultural gap for me. I just can’t. It is like skunk in a bottle. It is only tolerable to me when it is so iced cold that I can’t really taste it. I am so disappointed that I move to an exotic land only to be in the same situation as I was in my youth surrounded by Bud Light.

Ok. Ranting aside, I can sometimes get a Colorado IPA here that is pretty great. I don’t think it is made in Colorado. And now I know the good and safe places to get a cocktail. And I am fully aware that I sound like a raving alcoholic. But when you are in another country where you don’t speak the language very well, sometimes you just deserve a good drink. Or some good cheese. God, what I wouldn’t give for a hunk of cheddar. Don’t get me started on the dairy situation here. The milk comes tetra packed, unrefrigerated, on the shelf. There simply cannot be anything good left in it. I guess only cows from India can survive the heat here, so this is what we get.

I am also confused as to why they don’t have sweet corn here.  Another tip, do not buy corn on the cob here. It will not be what you expect. But I have found good tortillas and tortilla chips, which is an upgrade from previous visits. There is some redemption in that. I can now survive on rice and beens, and tortillas. I have introduced nachos to the household and it has been a real hit. 

That is my tirade for the day, thanks for listening.

Photos by Rio Duarte